


Complications of Sleuthing

by needle428



Category: Good Wife (TV)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-06-22
Updated: 2012-07-10
Packaged: 2017-11-08 07:41:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,649
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/440828
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/needle428/pseuds/needle428
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Post S3. Alicia and Kalinda have a very necessary conversation.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: This was supposed to be fluff (and I swear its coming!), but my muse has decided I'm incapable of writing anything completely angst free so...yeah.

The orange notebook, its pages aged and crinkled with wear, fell unceremoniously to the floor; it’s momentum seemingly stalled by a slowing of time. Her fingers felt numb, unaffected by the loss of a fallen lifeline, as she held in a breath and waited to hear the impending thud.

_Need to take it back._

She looked around, expecting others to have noticed the disruption - to have been affected by it as she was - but no one did. People milled about, ignoring the fallen pieces of paper, unconscious of any significant shift or change in their environment.

She was stunned to the point of immobility, but workplace traffic maneuvered around her like she wasn’t actually in the way of anything. For a second, life morphed into a slow motion feature film and she was reminded of the days when so often things she said and did went unnoticed. Most of the time she hated that life, but today that feeling held a little bit of comfort.

She bent to the floor and watched, more than felt, as her fingers wrapped around the hard surface of the book. If she could feel it, she imagined that it would have burned. She looked around again, checking to see that the world was continuing on without her, before swiping her index finger along the pages to find the one she so desperately needed to see again. When she stopped, she re-read the date scribbled on the bottom corner next to an LG case name that sounded vaguely familiar. November 5, 2009. Her eyes scanned the words above, written out like a list.

_Email DL re: JPM_

_Mtg w/ WG 2pm_

__ _Nd to take it back... drinks w/A?_

“Alicia. I think I have something.” Startled, her hands (and the notebook) instinctively shifted behind her back out of view. She couldn’t do this now. Not with her.

“Ok. Can we do this later though? I ...have another appointment.” It was a lame excuse. Everyone was putting in overtime on this case - a case that would make the firm a boatload of money - and there was no higher priority.

Kalinda gave her a concerned look and leaned in, voice dropping low. “Everything ok?”

Her eyes jumped up and she knew that if she stayed any longer Kalinda would figure it out.

“Uh, yeah. Fine. This afternoon?” She didn’t wait for a response, fleeing for the door as quickly as she could without drawing unwanted attention. As she walked, her fingers gripped the notebook tighter, sliding it across her side and back around front to keep it hidden.

Kalinda caught a glimpse of orange.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: To any of you who've been waiting for this chapter, I'm sorry it was so delayed! Crazy storms, followed by extensive power outages, followed by real life getting in the way has made for an interested few weeks. I hope it was worth the wait! Last chapter to follow soon. [I mean it this time :)]

Kalinda leaned back against a concealed wall, two corners away from the conference room door, her insides ripping against the fear. There was no way to be sure of what she saw - that glimpse of orange could have been anything - but she was sure _._

She replayed the moment for the umpteenth time - widened eyes, hasty avoidance, guarded stance. Alicia was a bad liar; she just didn’t have it in her. She could hedge and avoid and skirt around the truth, but outright lying crossed one of her invisible moral lines. And even though the last few years had improved and honed certain skill sets - professionally she’d become impervious - personal emotion still tugged at her core values and Kalinda suspected that it would always be a vulnerability for her. 

The certainty settled lower in her stomach and her emotions warred with each other: anger, fear, humility, disinterest,  love. They all washed around inside, each hoping for an outlet, but knowing that they’d be pushed down as they always were. Composure would win. 

Kalinda pressed harder to the wall as she focused on controlling her breathing. She tried to convince herself to be rational.  Even though she was sure that Alicia had been carrying one of her notebooks, it was probably nothing; something that she’d found by mistake, intending to return. She’d taken notes on hundreds of Lockhart Gardner cases in hundreds of orange notebooks. There was no reason to think anything significant was in that one. 

And maybe Alicia did have another appointment - something to do with her kids. It wasn’t unusual to see different parts of her life at odds with each other. 

A voice in the back of her head poked through. 

_ Then why didn’t she just give it back?  If she knew it was yours, why did she walk away with it?  Why... _

This was stupid - standing in the halls of her workplace arguing with an invisible voice in her head over something that might prove to be nothing. She bit down hard on her lip, staring down the hall towards Alicia’s office, debating whether or not now was an appropriate time to confront the issue, remembering her own promise of honesty not long ago.

~~~ 

She found Alicia sitting on the stairs, eyeing her old office, a scrap of orange trapped between her knees. She was running her hand along the edge of the ream absently, completely lost in thought. As Kalinda took a step down and sat, Alicia’s hand stilled, but she didn’t change her focus. 

Part of Kalinda, the possessive part, wanted to yank the notebook from Alicia’s clutches and demand an explanation. This was her property and whatever the circumstance, there was no excuse for holding onto it. But guilt over the past and reason over the present and loyalty in her heart all stopped her. 

So they sat in silence. 

Finally, seeing no better way to start and realizing that Alicia wouldn’t, Kalinda leaned in and spoke at a whisper, nodding her chin in the direction of Alicia’s stare. “What are we looking at?”

Alicia didn’t respond right away. She fingered the edge of the notebook again before turning to look fully at Kalinda. Her face gave nothing away and Kalinda found herself unsettled. Alicia had always been so easy to read, easy to connect to, but this past year had fundamentally changed her - changed them - and a little part of Kalinda worried that they were becoming more alike.

Alicia turned back to her old office, empty. “I don’t know,” a sigh, “the past I guess.” 

Kalinda didn’t really know how to respond. The past felt like a loaded gun, any topic a pull on an already overly sensitive trigger, but she was determined to get back to a better place so she nodded acceptingly and pushed on. “What do you see?”

“That’s the thing.” Alicia laughed sardonically and shrugged. “I don’t even know anymore.” 

They dropped back into silence, Kalinda itching to ask about the notebook, but trying to let Alicia unburden herself at her own pace. She wondered if that inherent need to talk had also changed...if it had been lost. 

As they sat, Kalinda’s eyes inadvertently sought out orange. Each time it happened, she watched Alicia’s grip tighten, but found that she couldn’t stop herself; instinct ached for it back. More than that, she needed to know why Alicia found it important. Why she held it like it was a comfort she couldn’t afford to lose. 

Finally Alicia spoke. “Do you...regret it?”

The tightness in Alicia’s jaw made Kalinda’s mind stray to Peter. Almost any other question would have been preferable - why did you lie? do you miss our friendship? was any of it real?. She looked at Alicia and wondered if they were ready for the truth. She thought that it probably didn’t matter if they weren’t.

“No.” Alicia’s eyes made contact and the betrayal that Kalinda saw reflected back burned. She’d almost forgotten what that felt like. Alicia started to rise, book glued to her right palm, and Kalinda reached out to stop her. “Wait, please. I...” She fumbled over her words, unaccustomed to feeling so ill at ease. “I want...I need to explain.”

“I think that says it all, don’t you?” Alicia continued to pull away and Kalinda fought her, tightening her fingers around the coarse material of her jacket.  Kalinda felt like she was losing her all over again.

“I...” How had things turned so quickly? She should be the angry one. She should be the one walking away. Alicia took something that didn’t belong to her and she wanted it back. It wasn’t until Alicia wrenched her arm free and turned to run that Kalinda realized that what she held was something far worse than one of her old, used up notebooks. 

“Stop.”  One of her bottled up emotions finally burst free and the sound that echoed through the empty hall was enough to startle them both. “Just stop. You asked me for honesty and I’m about to give it you. Completely. Because I said that I would and because...because you...matter.” Kalinda’s eyes pulled at the muscles in Alicia’s shoulders, hoping that Alicia would feel it. Begging her to feel it. “You matter Alicia. So please, just...stop.” 

Alicia took a step up, further away, while Kalinda’s chest heaved with adrenaline. She couldn’t let her leave without getting back what rightfully belonged to her. Slowly, she took a step up. Alicia didn’t move. She took another. 

One step apart now, Kalinda would have found their height difference amusing if it hadn’t been for the seriousness of the situation. Alicia still hadn’t turned around, but her hand swiped across her cheek quickly before reaching back behind her, towards Kalinda. 

Kalinda just stared, unsure if that was an open invitation to take it or if a cruel trick was being played on her. Alicia had never been one for games so Kalinda stretched her hand forward, hoping for the former. 

Her hand was damp to the touch, Alicia’s tears talking for them. Kalinda gave a squeeze and it was enough to encourage a response.

“Ok.” Alicia turned her head enough so that her profile was visible, but not enough to make eye contact. “Tell me.”

  
  
  


 

**Author's Note:**

> P.S. - Extra points if you can identify the notebooks timeline without looking up episodes!


End file.
